General
The Barrel of Self-Worth is both small and large in its approach and scope. The method initially encourages small actions: systematically, a few times a day, seeking out and carrying out tiny tasks. The smaller the task, the greater the chance of success. Yet precisely because they are so small, these actions can quickly feel unnecessary or insignificant. However, within the system, these small actions set major changes in motion: more initiative, more self-care, more empathy, more kindness. Within just weeks, people notice they get stuck less often in negative patterns and instead feel the space and motivation to explore new behaviors.
The method does not focus on specific problem behaviors or fixed goals. Instead, it generates change by encouraging seemingly trivial or meaningless actions. Once the flywheel of small deeds and big changes begins to turn and gather momentum, people find themselves able to:
- Step away much earlier from the behaviors that initially held them back, and
- Take much more active and effective care of themselves.
This self-care also extends into important relationships—with partners, family, friends, and colleagues.
It is precisely this small yet broad approach that makes the method widely applicable. Growing self-worth means more “filling” in the vessel and less emptiness, and this shifting balance translates into new behavior in the here and now. People who have completed the training often apply the method in more and more areas of their lives. On this page, you will find an overview of those areas.
Sex Addiction
The Vessel of Self-Worth was primarily developed over the course of a long career as a scientific researcher and therapist in the field of sex addiction. The central problem in sex addiction is that people feel an inner compulsion to seek out certain sexual acts or fantasies, even though this behavior has predominantly negative consequences. Although the behavior brings little or no reward anymore, people find themselves unable to adjust it or let it go on their own.
This often results in serious difficulties: problems in relationships, work, or overall well-being, health risks (such as STIs or HIV/AIDS), or even criminal behavior (such as child pornography). Out of dissatisfaction with the available treatment options—many of which approach the behavior strictly as an addiction disorder—I searched for a therapeutic method that would embrace sexuality in a positive way while also aligning with modern psychological insights into habit formation, brain function, the influence of stress, and the important role of the unconscious in human behavior.
The vessel does not ask (struggling, addicted-feeling) people to “be strong,” set lofty goals, or engage in deep intellectual self-analysis. Instead, it offers practical tools to quickly reconnect with the sense that one can regain control over actions and emotions—even if “just” through micro-assignments. Because the method does not pathologize the reasons or causes of the behavior, but instead focuses on small, present-moment actions, the treatment has a rapid impact. Change becomes visible quickly, both for the individual and for those around them.
Building on the Vessel of Self-Worth, a coherent treatment model has been developed that also addresses the underlying and associated issues of sex addiction, such as:
Learning to deal more constructively with specific sexual preferences, such as fetish, BDSM, bisexuality, and other desires
Restoring trust and healthy sexuality within relationships
Developing alternative forms of sexual experience—not based on external tension, but on genuine connection
The great advantage of applying this model to sex addiction is how quickly and constructively it works. The benefits most patients report are, first and foremost, greater control over previously compulsive behavior. But just as importantly, they experience increased effectiveness and competence in handling everyday stress and taking initiative. People literally and figuratively feel themselves functioning better—more present and visible in their family life, relationships, and work. These significant improvements are typically achieved within just 5–7 sessions.
The certified therapists who are members of the NVVS are experienced sexologists, all qualified to treat sex addiction.
Publications by Gertjan van Zessen on sex addiction and this model include:
Understanding and Changing Sex Addiction (2016)
When Sex Becomes Addictive (2012)
Shifting Contact: On the Origins of Sex Addiction (2015)
Relationship therapy
The Vessel of Self-Worth views an individual’s inner world as a container—or vessel—filled to a certain extent with positive self-worth, while the remainder consists of inner emptiness or negative self-worth. The balance between these two parts largely determines how we act, feel, and think in the here and now.
When applied to a relationship between two people, this can be visualized as two communicating vessels. A person’s behavior may emerge from the “full” part of their vessel or from the “empty” part. When behavior flows from fullness, communication is constructive, affirming, and kind. When it flows from emptiness, it is more likely to express dissatisfaction and irritation (see figure). A partner can respond either from their own fullness or from their own emptiness.
Couples who are doing well—both with themselves and with each other—tend to communicate much more often from their “full” parts. They are kinder, more affirming, and more complimentary toward each other, and they draw self-worth from these interactions. Their “empty” parts are less prominent, which means irritations are expressed less often and have less impact on the relationship.
Couples who are struggling—whether due to personal difficulties, work stress, children, busy schedules, or illness—often face “emptier vessels.” This results in less frequent positive, esteem-filling communication, while irritation and dissatisfaction play a larger role. It can feel as though the other person is draining your vessel and negatively affecting your mood. This dynamic reinforces itself, making it difficult to break out of the downward spiral.
These processes occur not only in intimate relationships, but also in interactions with family, colleagues, and children. The model offers concrete tools to restore constructive communication and positive emotions. In therapy with both partners, the method works just as quickly and tangibly as it does in individual treatment. It can be applied to many different types of relationships and a wide range of relational issues.
Further reading:
Gertjan van Zessen, Beyond Sex Addiction: Restoring Trust and Intimacy. Amsterdam: Boom, 2014 (book and e-book).
Coaching and Work-Related Issues
A manager in municipal government, after experiencing a second burnout, enters a long period of doubt about her own abilities. She becomes preoccupied with stress, personal boundaries, and a general sense of unease. She feels constantly behind—at work and at home—and finds little to no time for herself, even though she now works fewer hours than before. New tasks and changes at work feel threatening. Activities she once enjoyed and found relaxing are avoided, and even a pleasant vacation no longer recharges her.
A young professional is intelligent and precise, but also insecure and somewhat hesitant. Her managers see a great deal of talent and potential in her, yet they also encourage her to make herself more visible within the organization. This requires assertiveness, competitiveness, and the willingness to speak up first in meetings—things that clash with her natural style.
The director/owner of a growing company finds it increasingly impossible to manage all aspects of business operations himself: sales, hiring, organizational tasks, and client contact. He feels uneasy and irritable when delegating tasks, believing others perform them less quickly or effectively. He notices himself changing from jovial and flexible to authoritarian and dissatisfied. At home, his family also begins to complain about his absence and behavior.
An older employee in IT sees more and more colleagues switching to self-employment. He foresees that he too will have to leave payroll and work independently, but the thought triggers fear, procrastination, and self-doubt.
A young lawyer is strong in content knowledge, but struggles with acquisition and client relationship management. Instead of getting out there (taking risks, but also gaining experience), he increasingly isolates himself in office work, approaching tasks with perfectionism rather than expansion.
These are just a few examples of work-related issues that have been addressed with the Vessel of Self-Worth. After thorough assessment and diagnostics, the focus shifts away from tackling the “big problems” directly, and instead toward small, systematic, self-worth-enhancing actions. Importantly, these actions stand on their own and usually do not directly address the problematic behavior one wishes to change.
For example, the young professional aiming to become more assertive at work is not asked to stand up in a meeting. Instead, she is encouraged to plan enjoyable outings with friends or her partner, to make time for pleasant activities, and to give priority to people who truly matter. Through these small attention exercises, the larger flywheel of self-care is set in motion. Within months, she surprises herself and her colleagues with a more confident presence. Her anxieties are not dissected or analyzed, but simply acknowledged as part of her experience.
Similarly, the director who can no longer “keep all the plates spinning” does not receive a business analysis or step-by-step plan for hiring new key staff. Instead, by reconnecting him with the things that are working, he rediscovers his entrepreneurial strengths and regains pleasure in solving problems. The coach indirectly strengthens his drive for solutions, while leaving the content and timing of those solutions up to him. A fuller barrel may even lead him to make more radical choices—for example, prioritizing his health and family and perhaps even selling the company.
Also in work-related contexts, the Vessel of Self-Worth proves effective quickly—without requiring massive tasks, deep insights, or sheer willpower.
Lifestyle: vitality, exercise, nutrition, energy, and stress
As lifestyle professionals, Sanja Zomer and Esther van den Hurk have seen that knowledge about nutrition, exercise, and mental health is important for their clients. At the same time, they repeatedly notice that simply having knowledge does not automatically lead to applying it. And knowledge that is not translated into (new) healthy habits adds little to overall quality of life.
In the business world, this plays a role in themes such as managing stress and workload, work–life balance, sustainable employability, vitality policies, and prevention.
Sanja and Esther have found that strengthening self-worth through the Vessel of Self-Worth method provides their clients with a stronger foundation for self-care—and therefore for achieving their goals. They also train coaches in the principles of the model through the program “Vessel of Self-Worth & Vitality.”
